Consider the following as you revise your essays:
-Your beginning - what tone (sarcastic, condescending, nostalgic, ironic, biting, sincere, reflective, regretful, etc.) do you want to establish? Do you establish this tone from your very first few sentences?
Reexamine the first few lines of the two model essays. How do they establish a clear tone from the beginning?
Do you maintain this tone throughout your essay?
Diction - do you make conscious choices about the words you are using? Examine your verbs and adjectives in particular.
Ex: I drank it in, in a speechless rapture.
Ex:When these narrow fellows spring at me, I quiver in my toes.
Imagery - do you create a few memorable images that relate to one or more of the five senses?
Ex: A broad expanse of the river was turned to blood; in the middle distance the red hue brightened into gold, through which a solitary log came floating, black and conspicuous.
Details - have you carefully selected details that contribute to your tone?
Ex: If God was up there, fat people could have two doughnuts and a big orange drink anytime they wanted it.
Language - what is your overall language like? Is it consistent? Does it adhere to a certain style (formal, conversational, slang, etc.)?
Ex: There were graceful curves, reflected images, woody heights, soft distances, and over the whole scene, far and near, the dissolving lights drifted steadily, enriching it every passing moment with new marvels of coloring.
Syntax - have you thought about the way that your sentences are constructed? Have you made choices about punctuation, repetition, etc.? Do you have a variety of short and long sentences for effect?
Ex: Their good intentions, bony torsos, tight ships, neat corners, cerebral machinations, and pat solutions loom like dark clouds over the loose, comfortable, spread-out, soft world of the fat.
Look at the last paragraph of "That Lean and Hungry Look" and examine the diction and the syntax.
Look at the last paragraph of "Two Ways of Seeing a River" and examine the syntax and the details.
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